7 Ways the Mother Wound Shows up in Your Adult Life + 5 Ways to Heal
You may be surprised about how the mother wound shows up in your adult life, never making the connection to how deeply that relationship impacts you today.
Most often adults are unaware of their mother wound or deny it exists due to the level of pain it can bring forth.
When acknowledged, the healing process can transform your life in ways that bring you freedom, joy, self-love, and healthy relationships.
Below, we’ll explore:
where the mother wound comes from,
7 ways the mother wound shows up in your adult life,
and finally, 5 ways to heal and move toward wholeness.
What is the mother wound?
The mother wound is the result of past generations’ trauma that have been passed down instead of being recognized and healed.
The mother wound is the consequence of the imbalances found in our world’s history - patriarchy, organized religion, the Enlightenment, poverty and economic hierarchy, racism, elitism, ableism …
These forces place women and mothers in positions in which they struggle to be physically, emotionally, mentally, and energetically connected and present with their children.
If the opportunity isn’t available or taken to heal, what a mother may experience in her own life is in turn passed down to her children.
The mother wound can arise from:
Death or serious illness of the mother, including mental illnesses such as depression and anxiety
Living in poverty or low-income
Battling substance abuse
Living in a chaotic or abusive home, unable to protect oneself or children
Inability to self-regulate emotionally
Single mother household
Parenting from a Western patriarchal capitalist paradigm
(i.e. ‘Motherhood should be easy and natural to you. If it’s not, something is wrong with you,” “You should be able to manage children, look fabulous, have a great marriage, and maintain a career” as well as, little to no support during pregnancy and motherhood. This compared to the Truth that parenting was never meant to be a one-person or even two-person responsibility.)
These stressful factors can lead mothers to abusive actions, neglect, and emotional outbursts.
The following childhood experiences may result in a mother wound
Abusive mothering behaviors, including:
Silent treatment.
Spanking.
Abuse (slapping, hair pulling, punching, beating, verbal, sexual)
Emotionally unavailable.
Neglect.
Broken promises.
Forced affection.
Helicopter parenting.
Emotionally abusive phrases:
Notice if any of these bring up discomfort or if you believe they are “normal” things that all mothers say to their children.
“Stop crying.”
”Get over it.”
”You’re so sensitive.”
“It was a joke.”
“You’re just saying that for attention.”
(all of these invalidate the child’s feelings)
“Go to your room until you’re ready to behave.”
(the child is not accepted or loved unless they behave in a certain way)
“Can’t you do anything right?”
“You’re always so difficult.”
“What would I do without you?” (forces the child to become a responsible adult figure; a child shouldn’t have to take care of their mother)
“I love you, but …”
”I do everything around here. You should be grateful.”
“What’s wrong with you?”
“I wish you were more like…” (comparing to other children)
These are just a few examples, but there are many variations possible.
The more frequently a child experienced these, the more damaging to their sense of self, confidence, and ability to connect in healthy ways with others.
These experiences often follow us into adulthood.
7 Ways the Mother Wound Shows Up in Your Adult Life
What we believe about ourselves, the world, and others has roots in our past experiences as children.
You may have a mother wound if you:
Invalidate your own feelings or talk down to yourself
“It’s not that bad; I just need to get over it.”
“I don’t know what I’m doing.” “I’m an idiot/loser.” “I can’t do anything right.”People-please
Feel like you like need to remain small to make others comfortable
Avoid conflict to “keep the peace”
People-pleasing behaviors aim to appease others at the cost of your own needs and wants.
You make think that:
- you are “bad” if you have different needs or opinions than others want you to have
- if you disagree with someone, it could turn violent or ugly
- people won’t like you if you disagree with them
- you may reconsider your own opinion if other people disagree with it
People-pleasing means we don’t necessarily show up as our authentic selves.
This can lead to feelings of being misunderstood, and even resenting the fact that no one really “sees” you.
3. Chronically compare yourself to others
Feel like you’re never good enough
Struggle with perfectionism
- In your family, was it always about Mom?
- Is mom critical and judgmental of you?
- Is your mother jealous of you? (“It must be nice to do x” / “I wish I was x, like you.”)
- Whatever you do, it was never done correctly or the way she preferred it done.
- Your mother wants you do something because it reflects well on her or makes her feel better (but doesn’t consider/ask what you want or how you feel about it)
.
4. Weak boundaries or difficulty saying no.
Your mother didn’t model boundaries and you were not allowed to individuate or to separate.
She discouraged you from following your own dreams because she was fearful about your leaving, what could happen to you, or wanted you to meet her expectations.
Her life centers around you and she doesn’t have a life outside of “the family”.
She needs to know everything about your life.
She believed she can provide everything for you and prevented you from reaching out to those outside the family.
Your mother was your friend.
These poor boundaries can lead to:a weak sense of self,
guilt about needing space,
feeling like you need to solve the stress, health, or emotional issues of your parents and intimate partners.
you making sure your goals are aligned with what your parents want for you.
not knowing how to say no when you don’t want to do something or feel uncomfortable
finding yourself in codependent relationships
5. Closeness and intimacy are great needs for you, yet they feel unfamiliar to you and you feel uncomfortable about them.
If your mother was emotionally unavailable and had difficulty expressing her emotions, intimacy can feel foreign and you may struggle with how to feel close and connected to other people.
6. Feelings of shame or hatred toward your own body.
If your mother had an unhealthy relationship with her body, then it’s possible that she criticized your body or health habits whether explicitly or implicitly.
If she never referenced your body, her own self-criticism conditioned your relationship with your own body.
7. Over-controlling behaviors
By trying to control everything, you may be unconsciously trying to protect yourself from experiencing pain or trauma again.
This can come from a fear of abandonment, rejection, or other forms of abuse. You try to control things in order to make yourself feel safe.
You may become very anxious or feel “out of control”, so you:
research every little thing in-depth
feel the need to know exact plans
be the one in charge of major decisions
try to control people’s behaviours
need to have every done just as you like it
Of course, these may not be linked to the mother-child relationship; they could arise from other experiences.
However, if you experience these patterns, then the mother wound may be worth examining further.
5 Ways to Heal When Addressing the Mother Wound
It’s important to understand that this is not about blaming your mother, it’s really quite the opposite of that.
It is common to blame mothers for our painful childhood experiences because we had no control over what happened to us.
There is a lot of pain, anger, sadness, and grief to experience and process.
And it IS a process. Not to be rushed.
Blaming mom or even holding onto anger at the historical and systematic forces at the root cause takes away our own power to heal ourselves.
When we heal ourselves, we move in the very important direction of stopping these painful experiences in our present and future.
When we are ready to let go of blame, we take back our own power to heal and provide the love we need to ourselves and to others.
True healing cannot happen when we continue to place blame.
Healing only comes from acceptance, compassion, and love.
Here are 5 ways to heal and move toward wholeness.
1. Learn emotional regulation
Chances are if your mother was emotionally immature, then you likely never learned how to tolerate difficult emotions.
You may have a history of needing to turn to something external to numb difficult emotions - including
food, alcohol, drugs, shopping, gambling, or even relationships to help make you feel better.
Learning how self-regulate is an incredibly healing journey that ends this cycle of pain, self-destruction, and self-sabotage.
It does certainly help to have access to quality therapy, but that isn’t always possible.
There are free resources available.
Start here:
2. Start setting healthy boundaries
Setting healthy boundaries is an evolving practice and requires self-awareness.
Examples of healthy boundaries include:
Declining anything you don’t want to do
Expressing your feelings responsibly
Talking about your experiences honestly
Making your expectations clear rather than assuming people will figure them out
3. Let go of the desire for your mother to meet your needs
If your mother invalidated your feelings as a child, you may subconsciously seek her validation as an adult.
One of the hardest aspects of healing the mother wound is moving through the emotions of anger and grief.
It can be excruciating to come to terms with your experience.
If your mother is still in your life, you may want her to recognize that her actions were hurtful.
Often times she will not.
Part of the healing is letting go of the desire for your mother to meet your needs.
She has her own herstory and may not have the capacity or desire to meet your needs.
That is okay.
Now that you are an adult, you are your own source of love and security. You can provide those needs for yourself.
4. Practice compassion
The mother wound often leaves the feeling “I have to do more; I have to be better…” with the unconscious wish that my mother would notice me.
The practice of self-compassion allows us to soften the pressure we put on ourselves to be good enough, perfect, lovable, and worthy.
And it helps us to recognize that we already are all of those things.
Compassion can also help release anger or blame we direct out at others or ourselves.
Just because your mother didn’t break all the generational curses, doesn’t mean that she broke none.
And, if you’re a mother now, you don’t need to be responsible for breaking them all either.
5. Ultimately, cultivate your inner mother and re-parent yourself
Getting in touch with your needs and finding ways to give them to yourself is how to heal this wound.
Mothering our inner child helps that part of ourselves to receive the support it needed - we heal the past, empower our present, and break generational cycles that change the future.
You don’t have to heal alone.
We’re designed to connect and learn from others. When we feel safe with others, the healing process happens naturally.
My monthly Love Your Life Circle is an initiation into a community of people who are open and able to support your emotional and energetic needs and are ready to embrace you for You.